WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
