He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
