____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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