I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
