The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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