she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
