i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
