Whatcha textin bout Willis?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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