I feel like abortions should bother me more
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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