Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
