fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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