Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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