Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
