the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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