I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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