if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
