you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
