You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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