Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
