He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
