1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
