when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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