Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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