Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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