My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
