Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
