Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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