I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
