I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
