i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
