I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
