I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
