Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
