I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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