Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
