You're completely useless in the revolution.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
