He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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