True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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