Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
