she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
