Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
