it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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