ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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