Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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