after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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