If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
