I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
