Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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