youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
