I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
