She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
