hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
